Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
