history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
