I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
