i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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