I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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