wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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