i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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