I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
