last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
