yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
