NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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