Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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