I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
