I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
