I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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