i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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