She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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