I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
