Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
honey bunches of taint.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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