I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
