y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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