Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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