I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize