I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize