You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
