I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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