I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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