i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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