I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
