So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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