Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
