Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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