He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize