I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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