dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she peed on how many people?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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