Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
