he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
