its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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