Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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