garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize