is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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