Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
