I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
