Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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