So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize