i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
