I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
