I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
