Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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