she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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