Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
