I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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