Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
