That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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