is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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