Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
