i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
