Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
