doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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