Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
